Darker Mischa

Missing College? Never thought this would happen

I graduated college last year in May '11, and I flat out told my friends at my celebration dinner later how I was never planning to go back. I did not miss anything about college--the papers, the insanely overpriced and hefty textbooks, strict professors, the social cliques that still went on and I was even getting burnt out with particular friends I had been attached at the hip with in earlier years. I was ready to start anew in the real world, doing real work *I was passionate about* and forever freed from the world of academia.

Now, over a year later, feelings have changed. I can't even describe how or when this hit me. I think part of the reason is because the world outside of college is nothing like anyone quite imagines, but only until you're out there does it really hit you how different it is.

I was watching MTV's Underemployed last week and liked how honest they are with how a lot of kids are living outside of college. I still think some of them have it better off than others I personally know (like when the one guy needed a stable job b/c he wanted to support his preg ex-gf, and had a wealthy father who was able to just hand him a good job no problem). But I like that there are shows now willing to look at 20-somethings who are struggling to achieve their dreams and realizing it's not half as easy as we assumed it would be.

I was finally offered a full-time retail job (or so they told me, I am still wondering if I'll even get 25-30 hours a week b/c in retail it all matters how well the store is doing of course sales-wise) and I should just be appreciative of that. I hate retail though, and told myself this summer I would look for a full-time office job where I can put what I learned in college to good use, but it has been very hard to find anything of the sort. I am happy I am employed, others are not so lucky, but I am also depressed it does not match the jobs I worked towards in college, and I am constantly broke living on paycheck to paycheck.

So yes the world outside college has left me w not a lot of confidence. Everything is uncertain and up in the air, each decision that I make seems like it could have serious reprecussions. The pressure and anxiety of trying to figure out how to best direct my life while trying to attain what seems now ever- distant career goals continues to be difficult.

So maybe I miss college because it just wasn't as complicated or depressing. You had schedules, structure, deadlines. Overall, there was a security blanket that's just not there anymore.

But it's not just that. I also missed building towards something in college. I am stuck in an ugly rut where I am working endless hours in retail, which does not look impressive on a resume since high schoolers can do the job just as easily as I can. I am not moving forward and it only lowers my self-esteem to know some of my other friends found careers they can be proud of.

A part of me wants to go back to school now. Just so I can go back and work towards something possibly more obtainable. I just know that going back to make new career goals is the smartest thing I can do. I breezed through college with a general BA in English and lofty dreams, but this time I want to go back and take it much more seriously and make more practical goals. Sometimes I think I missed something there the first time, or maybe I just have a better idea of who I am and what I really want to do with my life now, more so than I did when I first went to school. Either way, I am done with this rut, and I think missing school is a sign that's where I need to go back to, and figure out what I hadn't there before.

I just hope my gut instincts are right. Tbh though, jumping from one retail job to the next and constantly applying for office jobs that never call me back, is a situation I do not see changing anytime soon so what do I have to lose, anyway?
  • Current Music
    She Wants Revenge
Darker Mischa

Time Goes By, and Our Reflection Changes

Wow how long has it been? I don't know, but I wanted to type a little on here to update my situation. In general I'm doing all right, but once in awhile things have gotten hard, but it's nothing I cannot handle now. I've above all become stronger due to the drama that has laced my life lately. I still am exorcising the ghost of my last ex, who truly broke me, and a friend of mine who I had to leave behind, when she finally hurt me for the last time. I still have them on my mind sometimes, because I guess I am confused about why two people I truly wanted in my life, had hurt so much when i was with them. I'm still figuring all that shit out, trying my best to not grow distrusting towards people I am just making friends with now. I want to believe these new friends I have are good ones, but it's hard to get comfortable nonetheless.

Trying to find a new love interest seems even harder, all I get is men who want me physically, but never want to go anymore in depth than that. I must have "fuck me" tattooed on my forehead, or for whatever reason I'm not taken seriously by men. One nice guy who I believe saw me more seriously just never took the next step and I don't know why. But I got bored with him never doing so I moved on. I just hate that feeling of being alone, but I'm human and I want to experience a real relationship again- I mean even my own mom has a man that is getting honestly into her. Idk what's up.

But anywho, other than my personal relationships, I'm hanging in there. I'm looking forward to something new in my life though. While everyone around me continues to evolve in their lives, I seem to be stuck in neutral, and it's boring and repititive. But then people tell me I cannot look for change it just happens...yeah kind of hard not to look for it when you want it. I have been attempting change in my life, and hopefully my efforts are not fruitless. I just want something big truly to happen, I don't know what, but something that would be completley eye- opening. Not too much to ask, right?

I can't wait to get back to school, I am tired of not working. Only a month and half longer...!

Btw- Has anyone looked at an old pic of themselves lately? I was looking at my graduation photo yesterday and I cannot believe how different I was back then. So much shit has happened in the past few years, that even the way I look now seems such a stranger to that grad photo of a few years ago. It's odd...Idk it got me all contemplative...it's made me miss simpler times, but I also am glad I am no longer as naive as I used to be. Though it hurts, it better to be aware than go through life with rose colored glasses on. That's my thought of the day- hope everyone elses summer is going well- lata!
  • Current Music
    Filter- Take my Picture
Flirtatious Bilson

You'll never change...the way I am...

Wow...it's been years since I've been on this thing! I have just been so wrapped up in college life...time really goes by fast here! Now it's snowing outside, and this semester is wrapping up finally. I have all of my finals done except one more this Thursday! I also have made a few new friends here I really cherish...and unfortunately, I met a few disappointing men as well this semester. Oh well. Friends are better- in most ways.

I have yet to listen to a lot of new music coming out...which is a bummer. The newest CD though that came out that I'm really in love with is Staind's Illusion of Progress. I think their album is just perfect for winter- dark, reflective- and in many ways a very strong collection of songs. And I do love the lead singers voice, I actually found out his voice is in the top 100 vocalists in some rock mag...which I wholeheartedly agree with.

I am on low energy now, and that's why I am on here. I can't do anything more today. I finished up one of my finals and just want some rest. Hope everyone is great--sorry I've been completely non-existent in the past few months.
  • Current Mood
    tired tired
Darker Mischa

Sex and the Cornfields

Sorry it's been a long while guys, it's been a bunch of crazy days. I moved into my dorm, and actually I am not finding it as hard as I thought to live with a bunch of other people. It's pretty liberating just to be living out of my parent's house for the first time in my life. And my classes, though a bit hefty on homework, I think I will do well in.

I did join a sorority, and they're pretty different from the ones you see on tv. No boozing it up, ever, but there are plenty of date nights which will be fun, though I will go with a friend or solo since I am still oh so single. I don't know, some days I'm fine with being single, other days I just want to eat a lot of chocolate due to it. I think on those days I just am more emotional than other days- I'm a Cancer, we get all broody sometimes like that. And the Depo shot I'm on I think is giving me some major mood swings on top of it anyway. Like a few days ago when I wanted to really smack a girl that lives in my dorm hall. She literally snubbed me, and I wanted to smack her for it. If I wasn't afraid of getting into trouble with my RA, I might've at least started a mean- spirited conversation with her at least. I did nothing to her, and she gets nasty with me? That had me fired up for hours.

I ask, when does it happen where people suddenly change their tune about you, when you do not hang out with them even enough for they to to be able to? I would like to know that. Anywho, she never was a real friend, but someone who once was friendly to me so I don't get what's with her now. I truly wish I could stick truth serum in certain people. But whatever.

Generally though, I'm happy so don't worry! There are always some minor irritations, but I'm getting by pretty smoothly so far. I cannot wait for some of the events in my sorority to start, and till then I'm just hanging out and doing my work. My roommate is hardly in the room so I also get a good deal of privacy thankfully.

Hope everyone is doing good! Drop me a comment and let me know :)

OH PS- I started a little writing project over Labor Day Weekend- it's a collection of personal entries you could say, that I have now written out into an actual project. It's all about my commentaries and insight on dating, the single life, and relationships. Yes, I got the inspiration from Sex and the City, but it is my fun pastime where I write my own viewpoints on certain aspects of the dating world that either I've been involved in, or someone else I know. I already have a few entires, and most of them have come out of my journal entries. Whenever I have a burning thought, I write it in (like right now about the cutie I work with on a late night shift hehe). Right now, I'm calling it Sex and the Cornfields. I like it, lol...I'll probably type in an entry later when I have more time. Till then!
  • Current Mood
    calm calm
Darker Mischa

(no subject)

Hey guys! Just wanted to let you know I moved to my campus and have been invited into a sorority! I am incredibly busy, but I will try to update more later- miss you all, later!
  • Current Music
    Hot N Cold- Katy Perry
Darker Mischa

(no subject)

Ugh what is it with me attracting such jerks? That guy I was stressing over wasn't even worth my time/ effort I have come to unfortunately find out. I guess I wasn't destined for a summer romance. Oh well, maybe the fall or winter back on campus will turn out to be luckier in this department.

I wish I could blame my attraction to guys like Mr. Hot and Cold (which is the best way I can describe this last guy) on birth control pills. I just read that The Pill can actually get women to be attracted to the wrong type of mate in dating life, that somehow they get attracted to men not compatiable with them when they're on it. Makes me now believe the shot is probably more worthwhile to get instead. Unless...who knows maybe the Pill would have the opposite effect on me and I can find someone worthwhile for a change.

PS- Happy Lefty day fellow southpaws! Raise your left hand in pride :)
  • Current Mood
    sleepy sleepy

Summer classes are over!

Finally summer classes are over, and now I'm focusing on getting ready to move into my dorm in a couple of weeks. My roomate e- mailed me and she seems pretty nice; we discussed who's bringing what basically. I have to admit I'm pretty excited- I love new situations/ experiences. Maybe a bit too much? Lol.

Anywho, I have a whole ton of work still before Fall classes start. Financial aid, cafeteria charges, and even the paperwork I still need to do before I start my job. Ugh some short vacation this will be! I decided to take a break tonight though and just allow myself to relax a bit...and then my thoughts rest on a guy, of course. A guy who I asked out last week, and now have his number in my bookbag. I am attracted to him but I also am pretty hesitant. I was burned earlier this year, I don't want it to happen again of course...but I know if I continue on with those feelings, it's unfair, because I refuse to give someone potentially good a fighting chance. Nonetheless, it won't be easy. I'm both excited at the possibility of it being something good, and worried it will end up being so, so bad again. But we all deserve a chance. I just need to sum up my courage and call him finally.

Ugh it's crazy all the little things I am working on, they're keeping my brain more wired than any energy drink could ever do. But the truth is, if I didn't have anything to worry about/ work on, I would be incredibly bored and disatisfied. It's weird I know.
  • Current Music
Flirtatious Bilson

Procrastinating again?!

I am procrastinating. I should be studying but I am on LJ. I really am the type who doesn't study till the last minute, I am trying to break this old habit in college but it's harder than I thought. I keep getting distracted. Last night when I tried to study- a new age book I have popped in my mind and I started reading that instead till I got tired. TV is also a major distraction- always. Then there are friends who want to chat and yeah...life is just full of distractions.

But today I will attempt to study for a few hours, uninterrupted! Afternoon into evening. I just hope I can do it. Because I am feeling pretty good lately, and got a good night sleep so I really have no excuse.

Oh and I just thought of what I want to add on my list of things to do before I die. Rock climbing. It sounds fun, and at my college at least they have a small wall where you can practice if you just sign up. I may do that this Fall sometime...if I have any time. With five classes and a job who knows how much free time I will have!

Okay I need to get off lol- I hope everyone has a more fun day than I will be having
  • Current Music
    The Bravery/ Time Won't Let Me Go